It could happen to you

“I can’t believe this is happening to me!”

“Could you believe he actually said that about me?”

“I can’t believe she would think that about me!”

These are things we’ve all said and heard. So let me just say this.

If Moses‘ leadership could be questioned.

If Joseph could get framed for something he didn’t do.

If David could be hated by his in-laws.

If Paul could be called a heretic.

If Jesus could be called a blasphemer.

…ya….believe it. It really could happen to you.

Not saying it’s fair, or right, but you better believe it could happen to you. Stop being surprised, and move on with your life.

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17 things you never thought about, but are terrifying

Life can be scary. And complicated. And if you lived inside my head, you would probably think it’s more of both those things than you ever realized. So I’ll just give you a tiny glimpse into the types of things I think. There are concepts that I believe we just haven’t taken the time to realize are as horrifying they are. Like C.S. Lewis pointing out that going to a land where your dreams came true would actually be the scariest thing in the world (think about it. Your actual dreams. Like where you didn’t study and showed up to school without pants on).

One of my examples is how I’m afraid of midget clowns. I’m not afraid of midgets, and I’m not afraid of clowns, but for some reason a midget clown would freak me out.

Here are 17 more terrifying things you’ve probably never thought of.

  1. A mouse with the voice of a man.
  2. A glow in the dark elephant.
  3. Wesley when he was the bad version of The Dread Pirate Roberts.
  4. Forgetting it’s a PD day and going to the mall.
  5. A spider dancing the hokey pokey. Extra terror points if it sings it as well.
  6. Sleeping on an aquarium water bed.
  7. Remembering being born.
  8. A countdown clock until the next time you got the stomach flu.
  9. If things stay the same, the average person will have spent over 27 years interacting with their digital device by the time they die.
  10. Vultures the size of a moth.
  11. Moths the size of vultures.
  12. You actually have no idea what anyone else is really thinking and you never will.
  13. Narwhales are a real thing. That’s basically a whale just swimming around carrying a spear.

    Scene 1: Jason Bourne googles self, discovers real name. Roll Credits.
  14. If smartphones existed 16 years ago then the Jason Bourne movies probably would have never have happened.
  15. Landmines.
  16. At some point in your life your stomach says to you “Hey, I forgot to tell you, we aren’t going to accept spicy food anymore.” And you have NO control over when that is.
  17. Someone out there is lying about you right now. And if they aren’t, then this sentence is a lie, which means…….it’s true.

Do any of these terrify you? Anything I should be terrified by that I’m not? Please leave a comment with your answers.

Why you’ve never heard an ad for a plunger

You have never heard a useful commercial.

Why do I think this? Because I was a commercial writer for two years.

Now I’ll be honest. I think I’m a pretty good commercial writer. I even won an award once. But….I hated it. Because 99% all commercials are for excess.

It’s why they start off with “You need a….” They have to tell you that you need the new car/vacuum/vacation, because if you actually DID need it, they wouldn’t have to tell you that you did.

This is why you’ve never heard an ad for a toilet plunger. Everyone needs a plunger. So nobody needs to tell you that you need a plunger. You go get a plunger. If it breaks, you go get another plunger. Nobody ever needs to say in a big sexy voice “You need this new plunger, this new plunger will change your life. Tired of your toilet backing up and overflowing? Did you know that you don’t have to settle for blocked up sewage? Introducing a revolutionary new way to not have a house full of floating feces. The PLUNGEEEERRRRR.” Continue reading

Wherein I interview myself and discover I’m unstable

“Alright Josh,” I say metaphorically sitting down across from myself.

I ponder the subject of my interview. He sits there, unmoving, like a statue in thought. I wonder what he is thinking about. He looks unkept, but not like the cool unkemptness of a rock star or artist unappreciated in their time. More just like somebody spit-up on the shirt he was wearing earlier that day and the one he is now wearing was simply sitting on a pile of unfolded laundry.

“So what do you want out of life.”

He stares vacantly out the window. Like a house. That is…vacant.

“I don’t know. I want not to worry. I hate worrying. Sometimes I worry about how much I hate worrying. I wish life came with a manual. Of course I would just flip to the end and check the box that says “I have read and understood these instructions” and then put it away. But at least I would know that there is a manual and I could actually read it if I wanted to.”

He bites his fingernails. It is annoying. We are annoyed.

I try to think of a clever question. Something that Shakespeare would ask.

“Whereforto doth thou seeith yourself heading yonder in life”.

I realize that was a nonsense question, this whole thing is nonsense.

He looks back at me thoughtfully. There is a chance that it’s just my own reflection in the bus window. “Anyone can be anything these days and yet the most likely outcome is that we’ll be nobody. But that’s not a bad thing. I think maybe I should just focus on being the best nobody I could possibly be. Maybe that will help somebody”.

I step off the bus and shake my head. I deleted all the social media apps off my phone this past week in an attempt to introduce boredom back into my life. But after being alone with my thoughts for half an hour I wonder if it’s actually safe.

Getting Peed On

I am standing in pee.

Not my own, Praiseallujah.

Or wait.

Would that be more gross? Less gross?

Who cares, I’m writing about pee. It’s all gross.

My child peed. So much. And it’s all over me. And it makes me think how hilarious it is that I ever think I’m somebody special. I can’t be. I’m currently standing in someone else’s pee.

Nobody important in the world is standing in a puddle of pee.

Then again, all the important people were probably standing in a puddle of pee at some point. Had to clean themselves off, move on with their lives, stop worrying about if everyone just saw them as the “pee guy”.

Maybe it’s not a big deal. Maybe we all just get peed on sometimes.